looking inside the rabbit hole

Yippie Yule!

Thu, 24 Dec 2009 19:08:29 GMT

Due to my ever chaotic work schedule my loving and flexable family agreed to have Christmas on the 23rd. (Santa loves our family best, so we get priority service! ;D )
Last night was filled with so much awesomeness.
I got to spend most of the day hanging out with my family which so rocks!
My neices (4 y/o and 6y/o) and I went snowboarding down my parents driveway. (really it was me helping to hold them up as they 'scooted' and fell their way down the driveway) Then being a human chair lift to take them back to the top without having to endure the PITA factor of undoing and re-doing the wallmart snowboard strapps. All the while my puppy dog is bouncing around, licking the faces of those that fell, and digging up sticks that were hidding in the snow.
Then it was back inside to warm up, and paint toe nails and fingernails in rainbows of unnatural colors. Somehow my mom managed to dodge the bullet of having her toenails painted by the 4 year old. It seemed that there was suddenly a lot to do in the kitchen!
We all gorged ourselves on cookies, nuts, veggies and the ultimate crack: shrimp dip and breton crackers. By the time dinner came everyone was full, but still stuffed the cracks and loosened our belts to squeeze in a bit more roast beef, salad, veggies.
It was so awesome to watch everyone's happy faces and the surprised looks when they received their gifts. This year because a)I'm poor b) trying to be ecological and c) trying to fight the consumerist machine decided to make all my presents this year. It was a hell of a lot more work! But boy did it work. The gifts were meaningful to me, and to the recipient , they were all highly personalized, They may not have been perfect but they were heartfelt. And I have been in a mall since the start of OCT!!!! I giggled as I drove past the packed parking lots. It was a much more stress free christmas than I have had in a long time. (OK, there is the exception of the small panic attack last week when I realized suddenly, how close christmas was and how much I still had to do on several gifts. Luckily my wonderful sister in law came in to lend a hand and help save the day! )
I got to cuddle and get lots of kisses and nuzzles from my puppy dog. I was stunned to realize that she is about 10 years old now.
I drove my eldest neice (16 years old) home. We had a really good chat in the car. It is interesting to hear the frusteration of not knowing what she wants to be 'when she grows up' but being expected to make that decision RIGHT NOW! The pressure of being expected to take post secondary, but having no clue as to what field, what direction. It has made me very thankful for being beyond those years, and for having come through it all finding what I think is the perfect career for me. I so love my job (and not just because I earn money sleeping (that's what EMS really stands for! lol)).
It was a fantastic Christmas filled with all the stuff Christmas should have: warm fire, family, laughter, joy, reflection and appreciation. I am truly blessed.

I hope everyone else has a marvelous time doing whatever it is that this season holds for you. I hope everyone finds that magical moment where everything comes together.

To the awesomeness of friends!!!

Mon, 07 Dec 2009 03:29:44 GMT

Thank you everyone that showed up and shared in some holiday cheer with Catalytic and I at this year's non-trad. I had such a fantastic time, and am truly touched by the love of our friends. I believe Catalytic's LJ post encompases my feelings very well.

Yippee Yule!

good words to consider

Tue, 01 Dec 2009 03:36:32 GMT

The Awakening By Sonny Carroll

There comes a time in your life when you finally get it ...

When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out "ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on." And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world from a new perspective. This is your awakening.

You realize that it is time to stop hoping and waiting for something, or someone, to change, or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that there aren't always fairytale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you. Then a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

So you begin making your way through the "reality of today" rather than holding out for the "promise of tomorrow." You realize that much of who you are, and the way you navigate through life is, in great part, a result of all the social conditioning you've received over the course of a lifetime.

And you begin to sift through all the nonsense you were taught about: - how you should look and how much you should weigh, - what you should wear and where you should shop, - where you should live or what type of car your should drive, - who you should sleep with and how you should behave, - who you should marry and why you should stay, - the importance of bearing children or what you owe your family,

Slowly you begin to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin re-assessing and re-defining who you are and what you really believe in. And you begin to discard the doctrines you have outgrown, or should never have practiced to begin with.

You accept the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are... and that's OK... they are entitled to their own views and opinions. And, you come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a "perfect 10".... Or a perfect human being for that matter... and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head or agonizing over how you compare. And, you take a long look at yourself in the mirror and you make a promise to give yourself the same unconditional love and support you give so freely to others. Then a sense of confidence is born of self-approval.

And, you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" hungry for your next fix, a new dress, another pair of shoes or looks of approval and admiration from family, friends or even strangers who pass by. Then you discover that "it is truly in giving that we receive and that the joy and abundance you seek grows out of the giving. And you recognize the importance of "creating" & "contributing" rather than "obtaining" & "accumulating."

And you give thanks for the simple things you've been blessed with, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about - a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, the freedom of choice and the opportunity to pursue your own dreams.

And you begin to love and to care for yourself. You stop engaging in self-destructive behaviors, including participating in dysfunctional relationships. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water and exercising. And because you've learned that fatigue drains the spirit and creates doubt and fear, you give yourself permission to rest. And just as food is fuel for the body, laughter is fuel for the spirit and so you make it a point to create time for play.

Then you learn about love and relationships - how to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away. And you allow only the hands of a lover who truly loves and respects you to glorify you with his touch. You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say, intentionally or unintentionally, and that not everyone will always come through and interestingly enough, it's not always about you. So, you stop lashing out and pointing fingers or looking to place blame for the things that were done to you or weren't done for you. And you learn to keep your Ego in check and to acknowledge and redirect the destructive emotions it spawns; anger, jealousy and resentment.

You learn how to say I was wrong and to forgive people for their own human frailties. You learn to build bridges instead of walls and about the healing power of love as it is expressed through a kind word, a warm smile or a friendly gesture. And, at the same time, you eliminate any relationships that are hurtful or fail to uplift and edify you. You stop working so hard at smoothing things over and setting your needs aside. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK and that it is your right to want or expect certain things. And you learn the importance of communicating your needs with confidence and grace. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that eventually martyrs are burned at the stake. Then you learn to distinguish between guilt, and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to Say NO. You learn that you don't know all the answers, it's not your job to save the world and that sometimes you just need to Let Go.

Moreover, you learn to look at people as they really are and not as you would want them to be and you are careful not to project your neediness or insecurities onto a relationship. You learn that you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of the man on your arm or the child that bears your name. You learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with love and relationships and that that not everyone can always love you the way you would want them to. So you stop appraising your worth by the measure of love you are given. And suddenly you realize that it's wrong to demand that someone live their life or sacrifice their dreams just to serve your needs, ease your insecurities, or meet "your" standards and expectations. You learn that the only love worth giving and receiving is the love that is given freely without conditions or limitations. And you learn what it means to love. So you stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn that "alone" does not mean "lonely" and you begin to discover the joy of spending time "with yourself" and "on yourself." Then you discover the greatest and most fulfilling love you will ever know. Self Love. And so it comes to pass that, through understanding, your heart heals; and now all new things are possible.

Moving along, you begin to avoid Toxic people and conversations. And you stop wasting time and energy rehashing your situation with family and friends. You learn that talk doesn't change things and that unrequited wishes can only serve to keep you trapped in the past. So you stop lamenting over what could or should have been and you make a decision to leave the past behind. Then you begin to invest your time and energy to affect positive change. You take a personal inventory of all your strengths and weaknesses and the areas you need to improve in order to move ahead, you set your goals and map out a plan of action to see things through.

You learn that life isn't always fair and you don't always get what you think you deserve and you stop personalizing every loss or disappointment. You learn to accept that sometimes bad things happen to good people and that these things are not an act of God... but merely a random act of fate. And you stop looking for guarantees, because you've learned that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected and that whatever happens, you'll learn to deal with it. And you learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time - FEAR itself. So you learn to step right into and through your fears, because to give into fear is to give away the right to live life on your terms. You learn that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophesy and you learn to go after what you want and not to squander your life living under a cloud of indecision or feelings of impending doom.

Then, YOU LEARN ABOUT MONEY... the personal power and independence it brings and the options it creates. And you recognize the necessity to create your own personal wealth. Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never ever settle for less than your heart's desire. And a sense of power is born of self-reliance. And you live with honor and integrity because you know that these principles are not the outdated ideals of a by-gone era but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build your life. And you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting and to stay open to every wonderful opportunity and exciting possibility. Then you hang a wind chime outside your window to remind yourself what beauty there is in Simplicity.

Finally, with courage in your heart and with God by your side you take a stand, you TAKE a deep breath and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.

Snow

Tue, 01 Dec 2009 03:00:46 GMT

Its snowing out at work. It has been snowing all day. We have all been taking turns shoveling the parts that the Kabuta tractor can't get to. It is frusterating. I would just finish shoveling the 4' by 100' area turn around and it looked like I hadn't done a thing. We have about a foot and a half out here, and the blizzard is still on.

This is great news for Nakiska Ski hill. They had been struggling to keep snow on the hill the past two weeks. If only I was off tomorrow. It would rock to be one of the first ones on the hill in the morning. A full mountain of fresh powder, and me with my snowboard. That would be amazing. But I think I will opt to keep my job instead. LOL.

I am doing my best to stay distracted and busy at work. December is going to be a busy work month for me. In order to get more on top of the bills I have taken more than my usual number of extra dispatching shifts. I am really hoping it helps. This year, for the first time, I am really noticing how much dark there is. The sun doesn't come up until 8ish and goes down in the mountains around 3pm.

I have been catching up on some Boston Legal. That is a great series. Catalytic and I used to watch it, but he has moved onto other things now, so I am filling in the hours at work with a little William Shatner action.

This year in an attempt to remember the deeper meaning of christmas, and to help the pocket book my family has mostly decided to only give hand made presents. I am really liking this. I have yet to fight the crowds and stress of mall shopping. Instead I am moderatly along in a score of gifts that are meaningful, and personal. I love that.

Christmas rocks. Not as much as Halloween, but close.

JuJitsu

Sun, 15 Nov 2009 00:32:08 GMT

I got to watch a friends kid attend his first JuJitsu competition. I think I was more nervous about the fight than he was. The little guy lost both the fights, but told me he had a great time, and proceeded to run around the dojo with his friends like the monkey he is.

The rest of the fighting was great to watch. Particularly as the age and skill levels increased.

It got me itching to fight again. I'm sure that will pass though. :>

this tour off.

Thu, 12 Nov 2009 19:12:42 GMT

I had a busy tour off planned, then through no one's fault or design things just kind of fell through here and there. Its all good, but kind of left me with a meh. feeling at the end. All the changes did allow me to finish making the steampunky bomber style winter jacket I have been working on. The stuff I did do this tour off was a lot of fun.
- seeing "the Hangover" : Highly recommend for college humor types
- catching up with a good friend over breakfast
- ice skating which I haven't done in 9 or so years. I forgot how much of a work out that is.
- playing games with fiends
- curling up to watch "Victorian Farm" : awesome series for history buffs
- got out riding my motorbike and managed to not get hypothermic
- Car was fixed by the mechanic in record time. Yay for new rear shocks and struts. Boo for my wallet!

this am

Sun, 08 Nov 2009 21:21:21 GMT

Drove into Calgary this morning to take some fiends up on a breakfast invite. The bacon and coffee totally made it worth while. The blue skies and golden fields backed by snow topped mountains was a nice touch too.

I have awesome friends that care a lot about me. I am very lucky. (and they feed me bacon)

halloween at work

Sun, 01 Nov 2009 19:52:45 GMT

So I had another year of spending my favorite holiday at work. It really wasn't all that bad actually. It was definitely the right crew to work with for the season. We carved pumpkins, and set them alight with rolls of kerosene/ diesel soaked toilet paper (a full roll will burn for about an hour). We played Carcasonne and ate roasted pumpkin seeds. We gorged ourselves on garlic chicken (thankfully there were no patients!) and jambalaya, topped off with chocolate cake.

It's a tough job, but some one's got to do it!

song

Mon, 19 Oct 2009 17:07:58 GMT

Sun comes up, it's Tuesday morning
Hits me straight in the eye
Guess you forgot to close the blind last night
Oh, that's right, I forgot, it was me

I sure do miss the smell of black coffee in the morning,
The sound of water splashing all over the bathroom,
The kiss that you would give me even though I was sleeping,
But I kind of like the feel of this extra few feet in my bed
Telephone's ringing, but I don't answer it
'cause everybody knows that good news always sleeps till noon

Guess it's tea and toast for breakfast again
Maybe I'll add a little T.V. too
No milk! God, how I hate that
Guess I'll go to the corner, get breakfast from Jenny
She's got a black eye this morning, `Jen how'd ya get it?'
She says, `Last night, Bobby got a little bit out of hand'

Lunchtime. I start to dial your number
Then I remember so I reach for something to smoke
And anyways I'd rather listen to Coltrane
Than go through all that shit again

There's something about an afternoon spent doing nothing
Just listening to records and watching the sun falling
Thinking of things that don't have to add up to something
And this spell won't be broken
By the sound of keys scraping in the lock

Maybe tonight it's a movie
With plenty of room for elbows and knees
A bag of popcorn all to myself,
Black and white with a strong female lead
And if I don't like it, no debate, I'll leave

Here comes that feeling that I'd forgotten
How strange these streets feel
When you're alone on them
Each pair of eyes just filled with suggestion
So I lower my head, make a beeline for home
Seething inside

Funny, I'd never noticed
The sound the streetcars make as they pass my window
Which reminds me that I forgot to close the blind again
Yeah, sure I'll admit there are times when I miss you
Especially like now when I need someone to hold me
But there are some things that can never be forgiven
And I just gotta tell you
That I kinda like this extra few feet in my bed

thoughts while driving this morning

Mon, 19 Oct 2009 16:53:06 GMT

As a child we have parents to call us on our shit. When we screw up or do something that is socially inappropriate or less than optimal our parents call us on it. It is how we learn what is acceptable and what is not.

Perhaps a lack of being forth right by the parents in letting us know what is cool or uncool is how we develop passive agressive tendencies. It re-enforces the notion that direct confrontation is also unacceptable.

So as adults we are expected to have learned what is and is not socially acceptable by this point. It should not be up to the other adults around us to "call us on our shit". We should all be self aware enough by now to recognise when we are playing the system to get what we want. For the odd time our internal demons are tricky and disguise it well enough that we don't see it, hopefully we have some close friends who are bold enough to clear their throats and raise an eyebrow in our direction.

I do not believe it is up to me to be responsible for monitoring another adult's actions to ensure they stay amiable. I have no desire to be any person's parent - especially another grown up. We all must be accountable for our own actions and choices, and not use the excuse of "no one called me on it" as an out for poor behavior, or a lack of personal will power.

Other random thought this morning: "wow its really really foggy out here. It would supremely suck if a moose wondered onto the highway infront of me right now... ooh, I love this song!"

Thu, 15 Oct 2009 16:25:47 GMT

I got to actually be a fire fighter yesterday. It wasn't anything really big, just a chimney fire, but it was fun none the less. I got to clamber up the ariel ladder, drop some chimney bombs and other general fire fightery type stuff.

It was a nice break from EMS for a bit.

I have another fire course this weekend (and next weekend). Once that is complete I shall only have 2 more courses and I shall be certified. Not sure what that means really. I suppose I have a piece of paper that states I SHOULD know x, y and z about fire fighting. Unlike EMS there is no provincial standard or certification required. Most fire agencies require you to have or to be interested in getting your 10-01's (the certification). Some of them, such as Calgary Fire Dept. will have you take them again even if you have it, just to be sure everyone is uniformly taught. Most small rural services are staffed by a smattering of volunteer locals who have a varied amount of experience and training. This is how I came about my certification. It has been done on a very casual basis over the last 5 years as classes become available and fit into my schedule. The perk of doing it this way is that it is free! -well, free if you don't count volunteer hours at the halls or at pancake breakfasts. So in the past 5 years I have managed to trade a little of my time for about 19000.00$ of courses. Not a bad trade.

I don't think I would ever go into fire fighting full time. It really doesn't suit my personality. I much perfer doing the delegation rather than being delegated to. However, it is a nice change once and a while. The added perk of a wee bit more job security and employment options are also pleasent.

By next year I should be done. I am kind of excited to have a piece of paper. Mostly I think it is a sense of completion. I love finishing projects.

Birthday weekend

Tue, 13 Oct 2009 22:13:39 GMT

One perk about having a birthday on thanksgiving every year is that it almost guarentees that your birthday will be bubbling over with family and friends. And it was again this year for me. It was fantastic!

Friday started off with making it home from work. I was a little worried I was going to get home due to the blizzard all day thursday. But those good ol' boys at Volker came through again and the roads were plowed all the way to the highway. 3" of snow overnight.
Catalytic and my work partner and I all headed off to see Zombieland. It was AWESOME!!! Two hours of gratuitous, sensless, vivid zombie killing violence and gore! Woot!
My super smart techno peep T took me out for some Moti Mahal indian curry numminess that rocked, as did the company.

Saturday was a little halloween decorational fun. I swung by the most evil Michaels craft store and found a cob web fence with pumpkins on top of the posts that is 1/12 size, as well as a string of 4 jack o' lanterns that light up. Both items look amazing on my Addams family doll house. I am really looking forward to decorating it more for each season. I had an idea of each christmas having Santa die in a new and unusual way somewhere in the house. :D Or the easter bunny etc.... My winter project is to make an electrical chair and guillatine for the kids play room. I also want to install a circular window in the attic area that is stain glassed similar to the window in Lemony Snicketts.
Sat night was a Hedonist dinner / birthday fondu for me. Canadian Knight brought a wine that was so amazing! I am sorry I can't remember the name (I was a wee bit tipsy and some of the details are a little fuzzy) but I seriously could have spent all evening just breathing in the nose of this wine. It smelled of being cacooned dryer warmed dark crimson velvet. Orgasmic. And so smooth! sigh.. I found out that although the linear theory of time only has be being around 36 years, the Wii feels I am more of the 45 year old variety. What the HELL??? I think the Wii fit managed to piss everyone in the room off that night. It probably didn't help our scores that the sensor pad was backwards for most of the night. lol.
Sunday was going to be a Heritage park day with the tribe. It was considered too cold for the kids and extended family was in town which doesn't happen often, so it was rain chequed. I was seriously considering going just myself or with T, but even I decided -14 was too much cold. So the day was lovely and full of cups of tea and reading while snuggled up in a blanket. We hosted the tribe turkey dinner which was full of warm homey goodness. Between all my friends, tribe, family, and comforts of living I KNOW I am truely blessed. I don't ever want to forget that.

Monday was more house decorations. This year's theme for the house is The Black Plague. I assembled my 6' skeleton "Timmy" as a grim reaper which is now suspended from the eaves of the front of the house. My spray paint died and I need to get more to finish the death cart that will be heaping with body bits. My goal at work this week is to make the german Dr. with the 'bird mask' from the manuscript picture.
The good Dr will preside over the death wagon. The finishing touches will be the red X on the door, and perhaps a faux boarding up of the windows. That last will be time dependent.
Monday dinner was thanksgiving with the family at my parents house. It is really great to see everyone. Even my eldest brothers SO showed up. It was fantastic to sit an talk with her, as it was with everyone. My mother, bless her soul, got me a regular birthday cake for my birthday this year. Historicly my 'cake' has been a candle in the middle of the pumpkin pie we were going to have anyways. It was funny, then ok for many years. Recently I realize I have become a wee bit bitter about it. But not this year! I got a regular cake. I did feel rather sheepish when I chose to use that wee bit of epigastric space for a piece of pumpkin pie though. .. In my defence, I had not had any yet this year! And it was home made! (blush) I fully intend to revel in my birthday cake tonight though. Thank you mom for caring about this petty thing for me, I totally appreciate it. :>

36. It may not seem old, but by 2130 hrs I was ready to crawl into bed and crash. It had been a wicked busy, wicked fun weekend. I was toasty warm from a long hot shower and the bed called to me in a most seductive way. I honestly don't remember my head hitting the pillow.

Its back to the grind today. I have been watching the snow machines spraying the magical whiteness all over Nakiska Ski hill today. They hope to open for the first weekend of Nov. With all this cold weather and mother nature adding a little snow of her own they just may do it. Smiling, I say "bring on the carnage!" I love my job!

How I spent my summer vacation

Sat, 26 Sep 2009 17:00:03 GMT

Spent 3 wonderful and relaxing days chilling out at the annual tree house retreat
Had a moor mud wrap andat a hoity toity spa
Spent wonderful nights curled up on the couch with the ones I love catching up on L word, Boston Legal and Oscar movies (still trying to finish that list!)
Built a cold air return out of a cast iron victorian grate
Installed a beam in my kitchen where there used to be a wall
Fixed the tile flooring in the dining room
Fixed the paint job in the dining room
Made 30 jars of salsa
Discovered some fabulous super tasty gluten free recipies for the Gifted family
Installed a new battery in my dead motorbike - ITS ALIVE!!!
Scrapbooked (blush)
Got my air brake endoresement on my license so now I can drive the fire trucks as well
Had coffee and caught up with many friends
Played xbox on the big screen at Chinook Cinema for my husbands birthday.
Finished the new Beetles release for rockband with a group of good friends. (it was not as good as I had hoped)
Went kayaking with my brother at Bow Island Resevoir and found some fossils and cool rocks on the shore
Spent some spirit fulfilling days with Giftedspirit
Held a candle light party
Had wenie roasts and games nights with family and friends
Got to watch a five year old get super excited about getting popcorn seasonings and cheese as a birthday gift. -odd child.
Managed to not fall out of the Birch tree I pruned
Did the brickwork for a raised flower bed in my front yard.
Pruned the diseased branches from the spruce in the back yard
Saw the play Shakespear's Dog with Shaav (thanks again so much for that (J too!))
Got rear -ended on my motorbike. Luckily it was at super slow speed and no one was hurt. My bike needs a new tail pipe though and they no longer make them :(
Took a day bike tour out to Vulcan Alberta
Played many wicked games of Carcassone
Kayaked the Glenmore resevoir and was stunned at all the beautiful fall colors
Did a photo morning with a couple of friends at the Union Cemetary in Calgary
Went wall climbing with my knight and a friend. I have not done that in about 6 years. You can bet I was feeling that the next day!

I am sure there was more, but I can't seem to recall it now. I blame the cataracts (inside joke). All in all it was a wicked holiday. I'm glad to be back at work to recoup.

Totally Wicked!

Thu, 16 Jul 2009 21:58:46 GMT

We had another fantastic party! Thanks to everyone who showed up. I think our friends are showing a marked improvement at spearing beer each and every year. Extra kudos to the kind people who helped clean up, and dispose of that pesky bacon that was hanging around the kitchen the next morning.

All in all it was a fantastic weekend filled with friends and loved ones. I have such an awesome life!

Fri, 10 Jul 2009 18:02:23 GMT

My husband rocks! 'nuf said.

Green day

Thu, 09 Jul 2009 15:23:01 GMT

Last time I posted the lyrics to Green Days "Time of your life" song. I love this song, not just because it is an awesome piece of music but that the words also speek to me.
Recently a 24 year old died very suddenly in Kananaskis, as did a 36 year old. Both people were killed doing the things they loved.

The awareness that death is almost completely unpredictable coupled with an acute sense of how little time we each have here has had me thoughtful lately.

I have been considering how little time I have here, and considering the things I am waiting for. I am contemplating at which point is waiting a non-productive use of precious time, or if it is maintaining hope for possibilites that may or may not come to fruition. I am wondering if I am appreciating opportunities and experiences that present themselves to the fullest.

I am fairly certain that both of those young people that died had no incling when they woke up on the day of their death that it was going to be their final day here. They most likely woke up looking forward to a fun day of enjoying their favorite activity.

Given our short time at existance should we wait? Or should we seize every moment as an opportunity to expand our minds, spirits and hearts.

If we do decide to hold out with hope, putting our possibilities on hold for something desired, at what point does it become so unlikely to occur that we Should move on? I suppose that comes down to when does hope run out. Weighing hope and desire against time and probablility on a set of scales.

I hope I pass on doing the things I love so much. I most likely will since I don't usually waste my time doing things I don't enjoy. I know my profession has given me a manic / panic perception of our allotted time and that coupled with an inexhaustable curiosity for all things makes me appear insatiable to some.

Life is just so full of awesomeness! There is SO MUCH to see, do, taste, experience, smell. Idling in neutral scares me. Straight up, that is what it is. Missing life scares me. Because I woke up this morning doesn't mean I won't be dead by tonight. Did I enjoy that last hour? It may be my last. Did I spend it waiting or living?

-Welcome to Madeileen's neurosis.

where my thoughts are:

Sun, 05 Jul 2009 03:31:17 GMT

Another turning point;
a fork stuck in the road.

Time grabs you by the wrist;
directs you where to go.

So make the best of this test
and don't ask why.

It's not a question
but a lesson learned in time.

It's something unpredictable
but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

So take the photographs
and still frames in your mind.

Hang it on a shelf
In good health and good time.

Tattoos of memories
and dead skin on trial.

For what it's worth,
it was worth all the while.

It's something unpredictable
but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

It's something unpredictable
but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

It's something unpredictable
but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

good day of firsts

Sun, 17 May 2009 03:41:12 GMT

first black bear with two cubs spotted of the year
first Mt Kidd RV park ice cream
first call in 6 tours - thanks g.s! maimed but not dead!

yes, all the makings of a great day. Topped off with sunny skies and freshly powdered mountains.

Month of April update

Tue, 05 May 2009 16:11:47 GMT

So for the month of April I endevored to not purchase anything but consumables packaged in re-cyclable packaging.

I ended up purchasing about $150.00 worth of stuff. There were a couple of dinners at restaurants / coffees, some groceries and a bar of soap.

Of the recycling challenge I think I did fairly well execept for the last weekend. Three syrofoam "plates" snuck in with the groceries. I was doing so well!!! Technically syrofoam can be recycled (usually listed as #6) and it is one of the few items that can be easily recycled into more styrofoam. However, there doesn't seem to be anyone doing that. So it ends up in the land fills -sigh.

On the plus side: Ursa minor hooked me up with free cycle calgary. It is truly evil. It also appears to be in set up in most major cities. I recommend that anyone with dutch / packrat mentalities avoid signing up. Nature abhores a vaccuume.
The city of Calgary has started its recycling pick ups. After the first week they reported having 2/3 more of a response to it than they expected. So they need to re-vamp their origional projections. I am totally applauding Calgaryians! As Catalytic pointed out - it was obviously much needed and over due.

Summer is booking up for me. May is almost full already and June is well on its way. I need more than 24 hrs in a day!

Catalytic and I have been out riding our motorbikes. It so totally rocks. I so want a crotch rocket. :> Right now I have a Suzuki 550 which works really well for me, but I dream of my BMW RT 1200 or my aprilla..... sigh.

The garden is starting to come along. I am hoping to put seed to ground this next tour off. I know it is not the may long weekend yet, but I have faith.

Catalytic started his new job the other day and it seems to be a good fit with him.

Life is busy and mostly good. ... as usual. :>

two weeks in - and doing not too damn bad

Tue, 14 Apr 2009 02:30:32 GMT

For the month of April I have made it a challenge of mine to not purchase anything other than consumables that has only recyclable packaging. One of my main motivations for this was being inspired by a group from Vancouver that has vowed to do the same for a year to become aware of our society's gross consumerism.
So as of two weeks in I have purchase 75$ in groceries, all of which can be recycled execpt for a tetra pack. I totally didnt think about that when I purchase the chicken stock. I was too focused on how awesome the risotto was going to be. Perhaps I shall make amends by using the tetra pack for some seedlings I am starting for my veggie garden. That may asage my guilt - technicly recycling....
I won't say I have not had the urge to buy stuff. I have been keen to get my hands an a kayaking guidebook for the Red Deer river to supplement my plans and dreams of this summer. But that can easily wait for May. I have been sorely tempted by the ever evil Michaels craft store and their uber aisle of scrapbook paper. Honestly, I have a folder full of paper, and certainly don't need more for a while. So what is this craving? This desire I keep having to go into stores. My mind keeps attempting to seduce me with seductive words like "we'll only go and look - window shop. It doesn't mean we have to buy anything." Yeah right. I know my weaknesses. There is definatly this compulsion to have. The thrill of instant gratification of aquiring STUFF. There is a mental addition that has us convinces that STUFF = HAPPY. There are moments where I am getting seriously bummed that I am not allowing myself to go and get more stuff. I don't NEED stuff. I have lots of stuff at home. In fact I have so much stuff that I have another building to store some of it in. I have closets of stuff waiting to be made into other stuff, I have rooms filled with stuff that have been there so long I have forgotten about their existance.
I admire my older brother and his ernest effort for several years to free himself from the consumerist yolk of needing stuff. I can completely see his point. It was sharply brought to my attention this past summer when I was helping a friend clean out his basement that was full of -you guessed it- stuff. We brought a lot of now useless STUFF to the dump where we lined up with fourty odd so other cars also dumping car loads of now useless or unwanted STUFF into the landfills. The two of us were discussing how nature abhores a vacuume and soon most of these people will be out buying more STUFF to fill the void they created that day. We made several trips that day and each trip was the same. Cars lined door to door tossing out heaps of STUFF. If this was done like us - seven times that day - each and every day the mounds of STUFF that have filled that one land fill is mind boggling. Times that by three landfills in Calgary times how many in Canada - the world- It all very soon starts looking frighteningly close to the movie Walle.
So, with that in mind, I spent the evening scrapbooking with the paper I had, added another recycling bin to our house to encourage more recycling. My other goal is to have one grocery bag of garbage a week for the two of us. I did some internet searches on the Red Deer River and its topography. I made a mental plan to get my library card and see what guide books are available publicly. When I start feeling lazy about my impact on the planet I sit down and watch Walle again, and get re-dedicated to my goal.

tuning into a different station...

Wed, 01 Apr 2009 05:09:36 GMT

working for a buddy out at station 94 (Priddis). It is just about as busy of a station as K country ie: not at all.

I am so not looking forward to the delivery of yet more snow. I am so freaking tired of the stuff. I know, I know, no one needs to hear yet another person bitch about the snow. I suppose I should be happy I am not out in K country tonight where there is a heavy snowfall warning. :>

It could always be worse. We could be in North Dakota! - ya eh.

I got to go to the zoo the other day with me mum and neices and catalytic. It was an awesome day to watch the Otters (my favorite), koalas, baby giraffe and I finally got to see the sting rays. I was very pleased to see that they no longer allow the dirty humans to "pet" the rays. Really how did they ever think that they could keep those suckers alive with hordes of walking petrie dishes fondeling the wee critters??? They were super cool and so graceful to watch.

Elephants poo out one Catalytic worth of poo every day, fyi.

so there you have it. Your life is complete now. :>

anti - consumer challenge

Wed, 25 Mar 2009 17:16:05 GMT

I read a short article in the recent Mountain equipment catalog about an appartment of three people in BC that have challenged each other to not buy anything but consumables that are only packaged in recylced packaging for one year. No books, no clothes, nothing but food and toiletries. They each have their own garbage can, and at the end of the year the person who has the least amount of garbage wins.

I have decided to take a similar challenge for one month. I don't think I can honestly sustain a year of it. I believe it will point out my consumerist / instant gratification cycle that is so supported by our society. Nothing points something out more than not being able to do it.

So for the month of April I am vowing to only buy food and toiletries. Those items I do buy must be packaged entierly in recyclable packaging. For one month I will make do with the mountains of "stuff" I already have.

Oh how my life has changed.

Tue, 17 Mar 2009 19:04:06 GMT

If anyone had told me two years ago I would be scrap booking, let alone spending a weekend at a retreat doing nothing but I would have laughed in their face. Yet, I had a fabulous time this past weekend "gluing shit to paper". Scrapbooking is totally that kindergarden craft time I so loved, but with the adult touch of style. Not to mention I got to spend it chatting with two awesome friends. The hot tub rocked! :> (It wasn't ALL scrapbooking!)

I am always stunned at how long it takes to make a page. We arrived friday at 2 ish and left Sunday at 5 and I only completed 36 or so pages. Gifted_spirit went hard core and never went to bed sat night, opting to scrap book for about 38 hours straight. Crazy chick!

Canmore was beautiful as always. I highly recommend Treo restaurant if anyone is in the area. The food was beyond amazing, the restaurant quiet and spacious. I even got to say hi to Canadian Knight's mom who bopped in with her friend for dinner shortly after we got there.

I'm hoping to do some cross country skiing this week before the snow all melts. I am also eyeing a kayak trip with a buddy for mid summer. Should be fun. Three days paddling down the Red Deer River. Awesome-ness. The U of C also has an intermediate kayak course that is of a resonable price, and I am also considering that.

I am dying for the snow to melt in the city so I can get back on my motor bike and put some miles under my ass that way. Not to mention I have been pining for my garden more this winter than most. I have big plans.... :>

I took out another wall in my house. For those that know it the section between the kitchen and the hall is no more. It should rock for the parties. Now I just have to get motivated to finish the project. I am really good at the dismantle part.... LOL. sigh.

There is about a month left of the ski hill by work being open. After that we are plunged into the painful lull season. No skiers, no campers yet. Boring as HELL!!! That is until the May long weekend hits.

My french sucks, but none the less I am tutoring my friends 12 year old in it. My french may be bad, but it is better than his. Besides, making up the lessons, and then teaching it is an awesome way for me to learn / retain the info myself. And its rewarding in many ways.

I started up a photography group with my younger brother. We both kind of had a similar idea at the same time, of getting a bunch of photography types together to discuss, take photos etc. So we are collaborating and making it happen. If you are interested check out my facebook page under groups. (if you can find it with the annoying new format...)

Saw Watchman last week. It rocked! 'nuf said. (mind you I have not read the graphic novel)

That's pretty much that in a nut shell
peace out

Birthdays!

Sat, 28 Feb 2009 00:02:21 GMT

A very super happy birthday to Ursa_Minor and Bork (I know I'm a day early). Here's hoping you both have a year filled with Uber Win!

Mon, 09 Feb 2009 20:48:32 GMT

I got back last night from Edmonton. Gifted spirit and I have been planning a trip up there for three months now to go see "Heights of Fashion". It is a show at the Royal Albert Museum (Until March 8) that showcases the evolution of the high heel from the pattens of the 1400's to the platforms of the 70's and stillettos of todays heels. It was a small show, but well presented none the less. It is one of the traveling shows that the Bata shoe museum has. I was doing some reading on the preservation, and extent of the collection of the Bata museum and was irked to find out that two years ago on catalytic's and my spontanious trip to Toronto I had walked right by the place completely unaware. I suppose that just means there will be another trip to TO in the future.

We stayed at a boutique hotel right on Whyte avenue called The Varscona. I first ran into the concept of a boutique hotel on the Toronto trip. It is a hotel that instead of opting for having the usual ammenities of pool, restaurant etc. It puts greater emphasis on room comfort, valet service, etc. I am really starting to appreciate the diffent focus. I have found that I never really use any of the standard ammenities, and so for them to focus on the items I do use (king sized beds with thick pillow tops, super thick fluffy towels), I'm sold!

On our trip I got my sushi fix and some East indian curry. I had a happy belly. I love wandering Whyte Ave. The stores rock. There is such a huge array of shops from the knick nack dust collector stores, antique stores, kitchen stores. The whole avenue is packed with win. I only regret that we didn't make it to Sanctuary (a wee goth store) but in all honesty I didn't really have money to spend anyways, so it was probably a very good thing in the long run. :> I was lacking will power.

Great old song from the weekend:

We call them cool
Those hearts that have no scars to show
The ones that never do let go
And risk it the tables being turned

We call them fools
Who have to dance within the flame
Who chance the sorrow and the shame
That always come with getting burned

But you got to be tough when consumed by desire
'Cause it's not enough just to stand outside the fire
We call them strong
Those who can face this world alone
Who seem to get by on their own
Those who will never take the fall

We call them weak
Who are unable to resist
The slightest chance love might exist
And for that forsake it all

They're so hell bent on giving, walking a wire
Convinced it's not living if you stand outside the fire

Standing outside the fire
Standing outside the fire
Life is not tried it is merely survived
If you're standing outside the fire

There's this love that is burning
Deep in my soul
Constantly yearning to get out of control
Wanting to fly hiher and higher
I can't abide standing outside the fire

The two of us got back to the city with enough time to drop everything off and then Catalytic and I boogied over to my Aunt's place for our weekly family dinner. This weekly dinner is a fairly new concept to my family. For as long as I can remember my immediate family got together twice a year (easter and christmas usually) for dinner and that was about it. We occasionally would pop in to see other members for coffee, but that was rare. My sister in law decided she needed more community. Her family is very group oriented and going from that to our .... secular family must have been quite the contrast. With the help of my Aunt we now rotate houses that a large family dinner is held at for not only my family, but extended family as well. And it is wonderful. I really look forward to catching up with everyone, the growing comfort of interacting with extended family that was never there before. Not to mention the food is great. Last night was home made lasagna, ceaser salad and buns, and blueberry cakey thing for dessert. mmmm! I am really glad for this new tradition.

I'm back at work now for a couple of days. Waiting for the afternoon carnage. Love it!